Written By: Hope Azzaratta-Rubyhawk
Edited By: Morgan Marks
Part III: Repairing the Damage
Did you miss Part II: “Are we Forming or Storming?” Read it here.
Things progressed quickly after that initial struggle on the build site – in the matter of a week, the construction staff and two AmeriCorps NCCC teams had the outer walls up on all three homes and had even begun interior framing. Better yet, the future homeowners were able to participate in the exciting work of raising the walls, this time in a safe environment with experienced people. The NCCC teams had also done a generous service to the neighborhood by cleaning up debris which the previously mentioned heavy windstorms had strewn far and wide. The future homeowners, my volunteer parents, and I had all tried to remove it previously, but had been halted in our efforts by the sheer amount of work that needed to be done combined with the presence of a grizzly bear and her cubs near the creek where most of the rubbish had settled. When Fish and Game had come by to tell us we should not be in that area for our own safety, there was nothing to do but heed their warning. Now, with the family of bears having moved on and a large group of willing NCCC members, everyone was relieved to have that tedious but necessary task completed.
With much direct support and meaningful progress on the homes having occurred, I would like to say that everything smoothed out, a rhythm was established, and we sailed into the “norming” phase. Unfortunately, that would be a lie. This storming phase progressed the next Saturday that the group was building together, starting with Kristen somehow taking a hard step down from the foundation of her future home and landing in the dirt with an ankle injury that kept her out of commission for a couple of weeks. But the full force of the squall was not to be felt until the following Saturday, when the string of unexpected setbacks the program had experienced, the unsettled dynamics of the build group, and my own personal hardship would combine to create a hurricane which made the winds which had ravaged the build site weeks before seem an appropriate omen.
To put my own struggle bluntly, it was around this time that my monthly finances had fallen into shambles. The living stipend provided by AmeriCorps is extremely modest, especially for someone in my position – a young mother transitioning her career and with a husband seizing the unexpected opportunity to start a brand-new business early on in my service term, all while we were raising a young kiddo. While the vast majority of AmeriCorps members tend to be either under twenty-five years old or over fifty-five, and thus either fresh from college or into retirement, I was thirty years old with a spouse, a very small daughter, and over a decade long career already behind me. Of course, this was service work to be done in a spirit of giving to the community. I went into the pay cut with eyes wide open, trusting that the benefits of being able to gain new experience and change my career path combined with knowing I was doing meaningful work would be more than worth it. What I had not expected was the extreme difficulty in obtaining childcare so that I could actively serve and grow, especially childcare which was both quality and affordable.
Two months prior to the start of my term, I had begun the search for care for my then one-year-old daughter during the workdays. While navigating the need for childcare is never easy for any working parent, I assumed that I had started my search with plenty of time and that something would become available. How wrong I was. The ongoing pandemic meant that the only two licensed childcare facilities in the rural town I live in, that would accept someone as young as my daughter, were shut down completely until further notice. Even if they were to open, the waiting lists were a mile long and the likelihood of getting in was almost nonexistent. I began to search for trustworthy stay-at-home moms who were looking to provide in-home childcare, but again came up short. In small town Red Lodge, there was simply nothing available.
About two weeks before I was due to start my service term, as I nervously contemplated having to contact Helena Habitat and explain my situation, a miracle happened. My best friend moved back to Red Lodge from Colorado. She was looking for part time employment until she had fully settled in and she wanted to be a caregiver. I asked her to be my daughter’s nanny and was relieved when she accepted. I was able to start my AmeriCorps term feeling secure in the love and care that my daughter was getting day to day as I focused on my office work and made trips to the build site.
It was not long before the childcare struggle began to creep back up and stand between me and my ability to fully serve with AmeriCorps. At ten dollars an hour, I was paying my generous friend very little for her work as a nanny (a position that usually pays fifteen to twenty-five dollars an hour). It was not much, but it was more than I was making with my living stipend. At first, this still seemed workable. My parents were going to watch my daughter two or three days a week, so that would offset some of the cost. There was also the AmeriCorps childcare benefit to consider. I thought everything would work out, and it did for a few weeks.
Then, it all crashed down around me. My parents found that their busy work schedules were not allowing them as much time to babysit as they had hoped. In fact, for about a month, they could not watch her at all. My term was already underway, and I now found myself paying for four to five days of childcare instead of two or three. To make matters worse, a call to get assistance with my application for the childcare benefit left me with the understanding that I could not qualify. Although the pandemic had caused my chef husband to be laid-off from his job and take a lower-paying opportunity, he had made barely too much money over the last year for my application to be approved. As a result, I was paying as much as $1,600 a month in childcare expenses while only making $1,000. I was paying to serve with AmeriCorps and it flat-out was not sustainable for my family’s financial situation.
Dread was brewing in me…and I did not want to have to make a difficult decision. I loved the people at Helena Habitat, and I did not want to let the future homeowners or the community down. I had begun to branch out from construction into marketing and social media work for the housing program, and I loved everything I was doing. The thought of leaving made me sick. My parents, who had been avid volunteers on the build site, were encouraging me to do everything it took to see my commitment through. Further complicating matters was the local resort who had reached out to me wanting me to apply for a wedding and event coordination position they had coming open. It was not exactly what I wanted to do, but the pay was good and their interest in me was flattering. Given the situation, I felt that I had no choice but to consider this opportunity that I otherwise would have easily turned down.
So it was that on this next eventful build day, I walked on site already feeling sick to my stomach and afraid that I was going to have to quit in the coming days. My previous decision to halt work on raising the walls also had changed my status in the eyes of the rest of the team. I had gone from being a fun, laid-back volunteer to somewhat of an authority figure and staff member, even though I always was. Furthermore, while the visit from Jacob, Mark, and the NCCC team had made for an exciting and productive week, it also had led to the dismissal of a staff member due to unexpected circumstances. Mark was now the sole construction staff member of what had been three people. The future homeowners had consistently faced each setback with a positive and determined attitude, although everyone could not help feeling a bit worn down from experiencing one unexpected challenge after another. We were spread thin, and I feared that if I quit, not only would I be disappointed in myself and the lost opportunity, but that it could be a harder blow to Helena Habitat’s work in Red Lodge than it would have been under ordinary circumstances. Still, I did my best to put aside my growing unease and focus on the sunny weather and the tasks at hand. We gathered in one of the roofless homes and Frank* began to run us through what we would be doing that day.
It was scarcely ten minutes before things started spiraling downhill. A nervous and tense feeling among a couple members of the team was obvious, and I found myself on the front line of managing the conflict. I learned through a series of conversations that, in my absence on the previous Tuesday night, there had been a conflict at the build site involving inappropriate conduct from a volunteer. Apparently, tensions had been on the rise between two members of the build team for some time, and a line had finally been crossed. This news shocked and disappointed me, and I felt my heart and stomach land in the mud at my feet.
I called Mark first, since he is the first point of contact at the build site. After hearing his plan of action and hanging up the phone, I called Morgan to relay to her what had occurred as well. As we spoke, I found myself more and more nervously pacing the edge of one of the wall-less home foundations. Feeling safe with her and unable to contain myself any longer, I found myself speaking faster and with more distress until it finally all poured out. I told her not only about the unpleasant conversations and atmosphere that day, but about my own fear that I would not be able to continue to serve in the AmeriCorps position that I completely loved despite the current difficulties. True to her character, she responded with understanding, compassion, and practicality. A promise was made that she would speak with Jacob and see if a solution could be reached to support me with staying on and finishing out my service term.
Spirits were heavy as the Red Lodge Spires build team dissipated that day. Overwhelmed with my own uncertainty and exhausted from doing everything I could to handle the dispute with strength, grace, and maturity, this time I did not linger in my car beside the homes-in-progress. Instead, I drove straight to my husband’s restaurant, ordered a glass of wine before they were even open, and cried.
From that point forward, I am happy to say that circumstances did steadily improve. I was offered a stipend to help pay for childcare, as well as understanding and flexibility with my schedule. To manage the expense, I spent most days attempting to juggle work while also taking care of my increasingly active toddler. Right around the time it became apparent that difficult dance was not going to be realistic long-term (for sadly the same reason that so many mothers of young children left the workforce completely during the pandemic), sweet serendipity struck, and my neighbor opened a high-quality and affordable in-home daycare. Along with that good fortune, my husband I succeeded in staggering our schedules to be with our daughter an extra day and my parents found themselves able to help care for her on a regular schedule again. The stipend I had generously been given covered half of the remaining part-time daycare expense, and I felt relief at the renewed ability to focus on doing the best work I could while she played with a small group of other children in a loving, safe, and educational environment. My best friend, while still warmly active in my daughter’s life, felt freed to move on from nannying to other things she was ready and wanting to do. In the end, the trust that I had feared completely rupturing between myself and the Helena Habitat staff mended as I continued to throw my heart into serving.
The build group appreciated being heard and respected and the conflict between team members was fully resolved. Kristen healed from her ankle injury. All traces of tension disappeared, optimism returned, and the group of future homeowners bonded in friendship. With Jacob and Mark’s continued travel, Morgan’s ongoing support, and the growing experience and confidence of the three women in building their homes, progress continued slowly but surely as the heat faded and winter weather arrived in full force. We floated along until the right candidate for Construction Supervisor, Rex, finally made himself known and was hired. The circumstances of the last months had made me feel slightly protective of the future homeowners, and I regarded Rex with initial scrutiny. Upon discovering his laid back, friendly, and respectful demeanor combined with an obvious talent for building, I felt an immense sense of relief. The storm had passed, and I gratefully let go.
We were norming.
When I examine the many memories from that first construction-heavy phase of my AmeriCorps term, there are moments where I can only laugh at myself with embarrassment. …Jacob having to shout at me to run for shelter in a hailstorm because it was my second day on the construction site, and I was overthinking how “tough” I was expected to be, or calling Mark when I was alone at the build and saw that some tape, intended to create a water-seal, had been misplaced around a window and the conversation that went something like this:
“Mark, I noticed that this flashing tape was layered wrong on this window. I am not sure what to do. How do I fix it?”
“Just peel it up and put it back down the right way, Hope.”
“Oh… Right. That makes sense.”
Mark is a very patient man, and some things aren’t complicated.
There are also times in my memory where I was attempting so hard to be proactive that I did things such as boldly state in a staff meeting that we were going to secure the stacks of SIPS panels in the wind with sheets of plastic, because surely a thin layer of soft plastic is enough to hold down a sharp-edged, several-hundred-pound wall that is being violently thrust about in the wind.
Just for the record…it is not.
Other moments of reflection give me a sense of accomplishment. So often, the future homeowners would approach me with questions about what we were doing, and I managed to successfully utilize the knowledge imparted by Mark and my own common sense to point them in the right direction. I joined them in learning how to safely and effectively perform homebuilding tasks that I never imagined learning about, nonetheless having a hand in. When I was hanging by a thread, I communicated what I was going through – in however messy a fashion – and through the support I received and from my own stubborn dedication, mixed with some small miracles, I managed to pull myself onto solid ground and keep going.
Making my way through this experience was one of hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I would not change it for the world.
*Name was changed to maintain privacy.